How can I support my child who is nervous about school and has separation anxiety?

This might be an emotionally challenging time for you too (no-one likes seeing their child upset), but it is so important that your child sees you as a calm and consistent source of support.

Some ways you can help ease your child’s anxiety are as follows:

Be positive, and give your child lots of love and support.

Be excited and enthusiastic about your child starting school. This sends your child the positive message that school is exciting, and that they will cope and have fun. Validate your child’s emotions by telling them it’s okay and normal to feel nervous and worried, and give examples of when you felt the same.

Talk excitedly about going to school

By talking excitedly to your child about going to school, making friends, learning new songs, painting, and playing outside, you're not only preparing them for a wonderful adventure, but also fostering a positive attitude towards education and social interactions. This enthusiasm will set the stage for a successful and joyful school experience.

Try to organise playdates with other children before the first day of school

It can help if your child knows another child going to the same school before school starts. They will feel a lot less anxious if they see some familiar faces.

Avoid the morning rush

Pack bags the night before and get uniforms ready to go. Wake your child so they have enough time to get dressed and eat breakfast. A rushed morning only leads to increased anxiety.

Create charts for getting ready in the morning

Use a chart of pictures and words to check off the morning tasks so your child knows what to do each morning. For example, get dressed, brush hair, make bed, eat breakfast, brush teeth, put on shoes, grab your backpack, and get out the door! Creating a consistent routine also makes for a calmer morning if your child knows exactly what they need to do. We love ones like this.

Tip: Little kids need visuals with each activity to help them comprehend the task.

Develop a consistent evening routine

Have the same routine each night. It may be dinner at 5pm, TV goes off at 6pm, bath then books in bed together, cuddle, then lights out at 7pm - whatever timing suits your family. Just make it consistent each night, with the same bedtime. Always make sure your child gets enough sleep. Your child needs a good night’s sleep (about 10 - 12 hours) for their brain to be ready to learn.

Use role play

The classroom and playground can be huge and daunting places to a little kid. Sometimes, it can be tricky to join games, find people you know to play with, or know what to do in the classroom. Role play or even just ‘talk through’ various scenarios to help ease your child's anxiety, as this is a great way for your child to practice the sorts of situations they may encounter at school. This helps equip them with the language and vocabulary needed to connect with other children, and more importantly, the skills to ask for help when they need it. Examples include acting out what to do if you have to go to the bathroom during class, if you want to ask the teacher a question, or if another child is teasing you.

Read a children’s book about starting school with your child

Reading books about school together can help you talk with your child about their feelings. This series is great for children with anxiety.

Use a calendar to show your child which day of the week it is

If your child wakes up every day asking, “Is today a school day?'' a good idea is to put a little days of the week chart on the fridge. This way, they can see which day they are up to and when the weekend is. You can add any additional activities they do during the week so they can see what is ahead. Here’s one we recommend here.

Explain the drop off procedure so they know what to expect

Outline exactly what will happen - for example, “I will walk you into school and find one of your friends or teachers that you know. Then, I will give you one kiss and a big hug and then I will drive to work. I will pick you up as soon as the bell rings in the afternoon.” Don’t tell fibs. Keep it factual and simple. You may want to create a special goodbye ritual to signify that it's time for you to go, such as a silly handshake or phrase like “See ya later, alligator!” to keep the goodbyes light and fun.

Don’t hang around at school or prolong the goodbyes

Even if your child starts crying, don’t linger, because it will only make matters worse. You are just prolonging the pain for both of you. If you are worried your child will want to follow you, then make sure they are in the care of the teacher on duty before you leave.

Don’t leave without saying goodbye

Also, don’t leave without saying goodbye. It might be tempting to phantom out of there when your child is not watching, but it will only cause them anxiety for the next drop off.

Pick your child up on time and choose a regular meeting spot

Each afternoon, your child’s teacher will walk the class out of the school building to a designated spot. Standing in the same spot each time will help your child easily identify where you are amongst the sea of parents. Make sure you plan to get there a few minutes early. Children can get upset if the person picking them up comes late.

If your child’s anxiety about school continues to cause them significant distress and impairs their social, academic, and daily functioning for one month or more, it is advised that you speak with a psychologist to further investigate and tailor strategies to suit your child’s individual needs.

WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP WITH SEPARATION ANXIETY?

Separation anxiety is completely normal, especially around the start of school when children find themselves in a new and unfamiliar environment. To help with separation anxiety, here are some tips:

Follow through on promises

For your child to develop the confidence that they can handle separation, it’s important you return at the time you promised.

Try not to give in

Reassure your child that they will be just fine. Setting consistent limits will help your child’s adjustment to separation. When it comes to separation anxiety, it is better to make sure school or daycare is non-negotiable. The more concessions you make, the longer it will take for your child to overcome insecurities. Children with anxiety do better when their parents make sure school attendance is mandatory.

Validate your child’s emotions

Validating children's emotions when they experience separation anxiety is crucial, as it nurtures their emotional wellbeing and fosters healthy emotional development. By acknowledging and empathising with their feelings of fear, sadness or apprehension, we communicate to children that their emotions are valid and acceptable, which in turn helps build their self-esteem and self-confidence. Validating their emotions also establishes a foundation of trust, as children learn that they can openly express their feelings without judgment or dismissal. This support not only eases their immediate distress, but also teaches them valuable emotional regulation skills, ultimately helping them navigate future challenges with resilience and a secure sense of self.

Create a ‘social story’ that addresses your child’s fear, and describes them overcoming their anxiety about school

A ‘social story’ is a small individualised book filled with pictures and short sentences to explain things to children. Tour the school with your child and take pictures. Once you get home, you can create a ‘social story’ of drop off and pick up, and all the fun things they will do at school.

Talk to the teacher for strategies they’ve seen work with others, and agree on a strategy before your child starts school

Some teachers may be willing to meet your child at the school gate or organise a ‘peer buddy’ to help them transition into school for the day.

Be brave

More often than not, parents project their own anxieties on their child more than they notice. Children feed off our energy. Even though it might be hard for you to say goodbye, put on a brave face and remember your child is in safe hands.

HOW DO I MANAGE MY OWN ANXIETIES ABOUT MY CHILD STARTING SCHOOL?

As a parent of a student starting school, you may find the associated changes affect you as well. For example, some parents find it difficult when they no longer spend as much time with their child during the day as they used to. For others, as their child’s world expands and they meet new teachers and friends, parents may find that they are no longer their child’s sole focus. While these changes may require some adjustment, remember that your child is taking important development steps and growing increased independence.

When your child starts school, it’s a big change in your family life. It’s normal if you feel a little worried or sad too!

Sometimes, it helps to talk with other parents about how you’re feeling. Other parents might also have helpful tips for preparing to start school.

Trust the teacher. Once you reach the school, you need to take the lead from the teacher – remember they do this every year, and they know all the tricks to settle a child. If your child becomes upset, as hard as it may be, you need to leave when advised. You need to hold back your tears and put on a happy face. Take comfort in knowing that this worry will only last a short time – the fact is that your child will probably have recovered before you!

For more information on how to deal with the transition to big school- grab a copy of our ebook here.

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